


In the Interest of Keeping Things Balanced

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-04-28
Updated: 2001-04-28
Packaged: 2019-05-15 07:59:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14786573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Josh is being, you know, him and Donna drowns her sorrows in creamy and salty snacks.





	In the Interest of Keeping Things Balanced

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Title: In the Interest of Keeping Things Balanced  
Author: Bramble  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Josh is being, you know, him and Donna drowns  
her sorrows in creamy and salty snacks.  
Spoilers: Small ones for: The War at Home and 20 Hours  
in LA.  
Category: J/D  
Notes: 3rd in the Edibles Series

***

Joshua Lyman is truly evil.

Well, not in a really, really evil way, just in a  
really, evilly sexy way.

There, I said it. I think about him in that way. I  
admit it. Yesterday morning, I might have been able to  
deny it but today, I believe the cat is pretty much  
out of the bag, at least between us.

Everyone at work should still think it's in the bag --  
I'm thinking we probably should staple, glue, and tape  
the bag, where everyone else is concerned, that is.

Anyway, I especially think about Josh in that bag-less  
way while he's kicking right-wing ass.

It's probably a lot like watching a high school  
boyfriend score a winning touchdown or something. I  
wouldn't know for sure, since in high school I was  
more into the arty, quiet types but I'm just saying.

My 'boyfriend' is making the other guy eat the  
football right now.

The man who kissed me last night and touched me pretty  
suggestively just two hours ago, is on TV doing his  
thing. It's a really nice thing. And when I say 'nice'  
I mean, evilly sexy.

He's on NBC Nightly News, talking with Tom Brokaw and  
the Republican Representative from South Carolina,  
Bruce Michaels. Rep. Michaels wrote HR 503, the  
"Unborn Victims of Violence Act" that's coming up for  
vote in the house this week.

Josh is providing Tom with the White House argument on  
why this act is a thinly disguised veil for trying to  
undermine Roe V. Wade and really does nothing to  
protect women, pregnant or otherwise, from violence.

His 'good' suit looks great on camera and his eyes  
have that intense, fiery look he gets when he's  
arguing and knows he's right. Granted, that's his  
typical look but it's still... sigh-inducing. Well, to  
me -- I mean, I would hope Rep. Michaels isn't feeling  
the  
urge to look at Josh dreamily and sigh, because that  
would be a little weird.

I'm in his office grinning like crazy as this segment  
unfolds on TV -- I was going to go to the local NBC  
affiliate with him but decided after our little  
'payback event' earlier, that it might be best if I  
stayed here and cooled off.

Did I mention that the man has nice hands, especially  
when they're roaming around your body -- no?

Okay, well, trust me on that.

"Representative Michaels, with all do respect," here  
he pauses for a smirk, "this legislation is a  
deceptive and dangerous attack on a woman's right to  
choose disguised as an effort to protect women from  
violence. Acts of violence against women, especially  
pregnant women, are tragic and should be punished  
appropriately and to the full extent of the law.  
Women, however, are notably absent from the Unborn  
Victims of Violence Act..." His last sentence before  
being cut-off, is said in his 'you are an idiot'  
tone.

"That's not at all true, besides, coming from.."  
Michaels tries to interrupt.

"Sir, I would appreciate you letting me finish. I let  
you finish your point, so just zip it for a minute."

I cringe a little when he says that but really, in the  
scheme of things, zip it isn't all that bad -- he's  
done worse. I'm not even sure that CJ will yell at him  
for that. After all, he's scoring big points with the  
sisterhood right now.

"Mr. Lyman, your last comments, please." Brokaw says,  
as Rep. Michaels continues to turn an alarming shade  
of red and squirm in his seat a little.

"Thank you Tom, as I was saying," he pauses for a smug  
smile, "when pressed, proponents of HR 503, Rep.  
Michaels excluded, of course, candidly admit that  
their purpose is to recognize the embryo or fetus as a  
separate legal 'person'; this being for the expressed  
purpose of setting precedent that an embryo is an  
'individual' with rights, thus endangering a woman's  
right to choose in this country." He finishes with a  
self-satisfied grin.

Oh, he did very good there, I should work on my  
wrong-righting plan, you know, as a little present for  
him.

"Joshua Lyman, Deputy White House Chief of Staff,  
thank you.."

"Thank you, Tom," the dimples break out and I think I  
whimper.

"Representative Bruce Michaels of South Carolina,  
thank you."

"Thank you." Michaels looks utterly pissed.

"Coming up next, the NASDAQ climbs...."

I turn the volume down and decide to go see if CJ was  
watching, I should get a handle on whether the zip it  
comment is a big thing or not.

***

"Donna!"

I turn to see Sam striding towards me.

"Good evening, Samuel." I respond good-naturedly.

He looks slightly puzzled, "So, wasn't Josh on the  
thing?"

"Yeah, he just finished," we turn the corner as we  
continue to walk side by side.

"You didn't go?"

"Nah, had to stay here and hold down the fort.."

"Hmm...he say anything?"

"Zip it."

"That's not too bad,"...he considers, "are you gonna  
go see CJ to feel his... comment out?" He asks, with  
a strained look on his  
face.

"Yeah.." Okay, that was an odd choice of words but  
that could have just been Sam, he likes to use weird  
phrases sometimes.

"Yeah, Josh can be a handful."

That one makes me stop. Sam notices I'm not keeping up  
with him and turns around. He's smiling.

"What was that, Sam?"

"Nothing, just commenting that Josh is probably quite  
a challenge to keep your hand around," he pauses to  
grin, "figuratively, of course."

"Of course."

"Well, I have to go here," he points to his office.

"Yes, you do," I try hard to give him a death glare.

"See you later, Ms. Mix-A-Lot.." he practically runs  
into his office cackling and shuts the door, leaving  
me standing in the hallway with my mouth hanging open.

I am going to kill him -- and when I say him, I mean  
my dumbass, 'handful' of a boss. I'll let Sam live,  
only to make his life miserable.

***

I'm waiting in his office when he swaggers in.

"Hey."

"Hey."

He puts his backpack down, "so, were you watching for  
me through the window?"

"Yep."

"I'm here now," he smiles smugly, "did you see me on  
TV?"

I nod.

"I was good. I bet CJ's not even pissed about the zip  
it."

"She's not."

"Didn't think so," he starts humming as he walks by me  
to look down at the surface of his desk, searching  
something out.

"So, I was thinking, why don't we order a pizza, my  
treat, and go over that thing? You know, and maybe if  
you're feeling all frisky later you could try to even  
the playing field a bit? The ball is in your..."

"And when you say go over that thing, you mean me  
explain that thing to you?" I ask in an icy tone,  
interrupting him and completely ignoring the whole  
feeling frisky comment all together.

"Ummm...yeah." I think he's starting to catch on that  
something's up.

"Huh." I spit out.

"Uhhh...what happened? You liked me earlier."

"I have an idea, Josh. Why don't you and Sam go over  
that thing and he can explain it to you?"

"We can order a veggie pizza?" He tries hopefully.

"No, I don't think so. It's 7:00 PM, I've been here  
since 7:30 this morning, I think that's a long enough  
day, I'm going home."

"Donna, what happened?"

"The next time you want to go blab to Sam about  
something that happens between.."

He rushes past me and closes the door loudly.

"You know, Donna, maybe we could close the door before  
you start.."

"Hmmm, I don't remember you closing the door before  
making a certain comment about some kind of  
role-playing sex fantasy of yours involving a school  
uniform.."

"Okay, that was after midnight, no one was here.."

"So that makes it okay?" I stare at him.

"I thought so.." he says with a sad smile and a  
quieter voice.

I take a deep breath, "Josh, I'm going to go, I ran  
into Ainsley earlier and she invited me to go  
shopping, I'm just going to do that.." I say tiredly.

I'm not so much mad anymore as I just want to get out  
of here for a bit -- if I stay, I know he'll say  
something funny and break me down -- he deserves to  
have me stay mad a little bit longer. He told Sam I  
grabbed his ass, for god's sake.

"You'd rather go shoe shopping with a Republican than  
eat veggie pizza with me?"

"Yes, I'm suddenly feeling a need to bond with the  
sisterhood," I say as I start to leave.

"She's not the sisterhood, she's the enemy.." he  
blurts out rather melodramatically.

"She's less of the enemy than you are right now.."

"Do you really think that?" He looks shocked.

Sometimes I forget how well we know each other, how  
easy it is to push buttons.

"No..." I admit.

"You'll be back tomorrow, right?"

"Josh, of course I will..I just don't want to be here  
right now." I say as I open the door and walk out.

***

When old boyfriends have caused me distress in the  
past, I usually head right for the chocolate.  
Something about the sweet creaminess makes me feel  
better.

When Josh pisses me off, I crave salty and tangy  
foods, don't ask me why, there's probably some  
symbolism in there somewhere. I'm too irritated to  
look for it right now.

So, here I am, standing in the kitchen with a bag of  
tortilla chips, dipping them into a jar of cilantro  
walnut pesto.

Oh yeah, shopping with Ainsley? We went to Trader  
Joes, she wanted to stock up on snacks for her office.

Figures.

I was seriously in the mood to do some 'men suck',  
self-indulgent clothing and shoes splurging and I wind  
up coming home with a bag of junk food. Really good  
junk food, but junk food none the less.

I grab my newly purchased bag of peanut butter filled  
pretzels and head to my room, ready to feed my  
self-pity by listening to Sarah McLachlan and eating  
the whole damn bag. Let him touch my butt when it's  
twice the size -- he can then go tell Sam all  
about that.

By the time I get to "Ice Cream" it hits me that this  
is indeed the perfect Josh-snack; it's salty and  
creamy at the same time, because really, who the hell  
knows what category he fits in to... I sure don't.

The phone startles me out of my contemplation --  
12:10, it's him; I know his ring, the jerk. The  
thought that I imagine him to have his very own ring  
really disturbs me.

Let him leave a message, Sarah and I still have  
one-third the bag left.

"Donna?"

"Donna, I know you're there.." his voice invades my  
bedroom.

"Look, I didn't say anything to Sam...well, I did, but  
I didn't say it was you. I wouldn't do that, he  
guessed."

There's a pause.

"I know how long your machine tape is, I don't have  
much time left. I was just asking his advice about  
what it meant. I wanted it to mean what I thought it  
meant."

He sighs.

"Look, Donna, you know me. You know how bad I am at  
this, I'm bad at this under the best of circumstances,  
I certainly have no clue with you and I really want  
this to...it's just, I don't know how to woo and I  
really don't want you to start accessorizing  
with a wicker basket..."

What?

I pick up the phone.

"Donna?"

"Yeah." I try to speak in a monotone so he doesn't  
think I've forgiven him or anything.

"Hi," he says eagerly.

"Where are you?"

"At home, I just got in.."

"Did you eat?" Okay, I'm just concerned because if he  
didn't eat dinner he'll be in a horrible mood  
tomorrow, plus he really does need to eat dinner -- he  
needs to eat healthier.

"Yeah, I actually did order a pizza with Sam.."

"A veggie pizza?"

"Okay, I'll try that again, I ordered a pizza with  
Sam.."

"Is that your way of saying it was a big, meaty, man  
pizza?"

"Instead of a girly, veggie one? Yeah." I can hear the  
smile in his voice and it makes me grin in spite of  
myself.

Damn it, I shouldn't let him off this easy.

"So, you sat around and had greasy, manly-man pizza  
with Sam?"

"Yeah."

"Did you talk about me more?" I ask, trying use an  
indignant tone.

"No."

"You didn't tell him that I let you touch me?"

"Of course not," he says honestly. At least I think  
he's being honest.

"Okay," I sigh, "he really guessed that it was me?"

"Yes."

"And you really had to ask him what it meant?" I sit  
up in bed and lean against the headboard.

"Well, I..."

"You seemed to know what it meant later in the day."

"Well, yeah, that was after I had confirmed it,  
Donna."

"Last night didn't confirm it?" I ask, as I think back  
to our kiss on the floor.

"Well, look," he sighs, "Donna, please, I know I'm an  
idiot in one or two departments, this is one of  
them.."

"Yeah, it is that.." I say as I crunch a pretzel,  
"what's the other one?"

"Other what?"

"Idiot department?"

"Computer stuff.."

"Yeah," I agree as I crunch again.

"What are you eating?"

"A peanut butter filled pretzel..he called me Ms.  
Mix-A-Lot.."

It's quiet for a second, then he mimics out, "my  
anaconda don't want none -- unless you've got buns --  
hon.." then dissolves into a fit giggles.

"Josh, did Sam let you drink?"

"I had one beer, I would think that was funny without  
a beer, Donna."

"Well, it's not funny."

"It is kind of.."

"I find it disturbing that you know the lyrics to  
'Baby Got Back'.."

"Donna," he says in a serious voice, "I think you've  
'got back'.."

I start giggling now, "Actually, I think my butt's  
kind of flat."

"I don't think so at all, I really like it."

"Really, because at first.."

"I was just a little thrown off, it was really sexy  
when you turned around like that." He says in a rush.

"Yeah?"

"Definitely."

"I liked yours too.." I say, remembering the way he  
felt under my hand, he was nice and firm, a perfect  
fit in my palm. I wonder what he would feel like  
without pants...

"Did you like it when I touched you?" he asks in a  
throaty voice.

"Yeah, I liked your hands, they felt nice.." Good god,  
what the hell are we doing?

I bite into another pretzel to fill the silence and  
try to get my mind off of the road it's starting to  
travel down. It's a very naughty road.

"I'd like my hands to touch you in more places.." he  
starts.

"Hey! I thought the touching ball was in my court  
now.."

"You want to touch my balls?" He asks playfully.

I giggle, "'Okay.." wait, no, well, yes, I do, but I  
shouldn't be doing this, not now, "I mean, Josh, I  
think.." he interrupts me.

"You were really, *really* nice to touch, Donna" I'm  
very conscious of his breathing, "I could come over  
and touch you again, maybe this time, there could be  
less clothing involved..."

"Joshua.." I'm suddenly feeling a little warm, I'm  
also feeling the urge wiggle my hips around a bit as I  
talk to him. This is good..I mean bad, this is very  
bad.

"I'm just saying.."

"Josh, remember when I was talking about the ways of  
love, and how I was wise in them?"

"Yeah..."

"I may have been overstating that a bit.."

"Yeahhh.." he agrees, a little too much I think. He's  
not exactly one to talk.

"Okay, well, I'm just saying, between the two of us...  
maybe we should slow this down a little."

"Maybe." he sighs, "Assuming that I don't do anything  
stupid between now and when I see you next, do you  
think I could possibly kiss you again tomorrow  
though?"

"Yeah, I think that would be nice."

"And you could still right that wrong as you see  
fit.."

"Maybe, but you're still being punished for talking to  
Sam.."

"Ohhhh... that would right the wrong nicely.." he says  
in a flirty tone.

"Josh.."

"Donna.."

"What are you wearing?"

"Are we gonna do this again?" I ask into the phone  
with a smile.

"Yes."

"Jeans and a sweatshirt, what are you wearing?"

"Boxers."

"You're talking to me in your underwear?"  
Mmmmmmm...Josh in his boxers.

"I'm in bed," he replies huskily.

Mmmmmmm.." Okay, that one was out loud.

"You should get in bed too.." he says.

"I'm on my bed."

"Get *in* the bed and talk to me for a few more  
minutes.."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he confirms.

"Okay, hold on," I say, way too enthusiastically.

I put the phone down so I can slip my sweatshirt off  
and slide my jeans down before I crawl under the sheet  
and blankets in just my underwear.

See, I have no clue about the ways of love, I think  
what I'm doing now pretty much proves that.

"'Kay, I'm back," I pant into the phone.

"What were you doing?"

"I had to take the jeans and sweatshirt off.."

Silence.

"Josh, are you there?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm here.."

"Good..."

"So," he starts, "say I was there, you'd let me touch  
you some more, right?"

"Yeah," I answer, as honest to god waves pass through  
my lower stomach, making it feel as if it's dropping  
through the floor. My hand starts to wander down my  
side -- I catch myself as it starts to creep under the  
waistband of my panties.

What the hell am I doing?

***

"What would you want me to do?" I ask.

God, this is wrong, I can't do this while I talk to  
her on the phone, she just said she wanted to slow  
this down. I move my hand back up and lay it down on  
top of the sheet by my side. This isn't wooing.... I  
need to woo.

Suddenly, I'm thinking of gathering rosebuds and how  
certain parts of her body might, in fact, look like  
little pink rosebuds. I think I moan. Shit.

"Josh?" I hear her voice on the phone and she sounds  
as crazed as I am right now.

This was not why I called, I called to apologize, to  
let her know...oh hell.

"Donna?"

"Yeah?" She sounds all husky, I should have done this  
before. I should have done this first.

"I'm really sorry about before, about what Sam said.."

"I know.."

"Good, because.."

"Josh, I think I know where this is going and I'm not  
sure we should do this right now."

"I know.." I say with an exasperated sigh.

"Not yet..not on the phone," she adds softly.

"I know.." I say again, turning over on my stomach and  
pushing my face into the pillow as I grimace.

I am going to kill Sam tomorrow.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I say as I turn my head sideways, resting it  
against the pillow.

"Well, just in the interest of keeping things  
balanced, are you..." she trails off.

"Am I what?"

"Finding yourself aroused right now?" She has to ask?  
She really has to ask?

"Very, very much so, Donna," I assure her.

"Okay, me too.." she answers in a whisper that just  
about sends me over the edge.

"Care to share any details with the class?" I ask.

"Wouldn't that kind of lead to that place we're not  
supposed to be going to tonight?"

"Probably.." I agree.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow?" Her voice sounds sleepy  
and disheveled and I fight the urge to start humping  
the mattress.

"Yes and I get to kiss you."

"Definitely."

"Can I pick where I kiss you?"

"I'm thinking in your office.." she answers.

"That's not what I meant.."

"Ohhhhh....," she sighs deeply.

"Are you going to think about me after we hang up?" I  
ask, closing my eyes.

"Yes." She answers breathlessly.

"Good, I really need to go now.."

"Really? Because I would think you need to.." she  
starts playfully.

"Don't say it." I moan, "please don't say it or I will  
right now and I'll take you with me.."

"MMmmmmmmmm.." I think the big cheater has started  
already -- she's just evil.

"Goodnight, Donnatella.." I whisper.

"Night, Joshua.." she replies softly, "see you  
tomorrow.." and I hear the phone click.

I have two complete thoughts before I fall into a  
sweaty, spent sleep ten minutes later.

The first is that I can't believe I almost did that  
while talking to my assistant on the phone, while  
being pretty sure she was considering doing the same  
thing.

The second thought is that if I take the word  
assistant out of that thought and replace it with the  
word Donna, it feels completely rational and okay.

***

The End

  


End file.
